Dupre to install fire alarm system

After a series of fire alarms emptied the floors of Doty/Turck this fall, Dupre has decided to install a fire alarm system. Dupre Residence Hall, which is already hurricane-, tornado-, bullet-, and vomit-proof, has never had a fire alarm system in its 250+ years on Macalester’s campus.

According to Dupre RHD, Jim Nasium, the installation of a fire alarm system in Dupre was never high up on the college’s agenda.“You know, Dupre is a state-of-the-art college dormitory, okay. Mhmm. And with such responsible residents, we just don’t see a fire occurring in this locality, okay,” he said, with intermittent head nods and an all-knowing facial expression.

Although the lack of a fire alarm system in a dormitory that houses more than 500 students is quite obviously a federal offense, school officials claimed that the construction of the 26 million dollar Leonard Center was a more critical step towards promoting fire safety at Mac.

“What’s most important,” said President Brian Rosenberg, “is that students can be in good enough physical condition to outrun a fire. Also, there is a pool there… if you make it that far while on fire.”

“Life in Dupre really is about survival of the fittest. If you can outrun a fire, you can live and thrive in Dupre,” admitted first-year student, John Schlitt, before tipping over a vending machine, grabbing 3 bags of Doritos, and sprinting away.

While most students have embraced this announcement, others are less than pleased with the decision.

“I liked Dupre the way it was,” said first-year student, Jae Kwon. “Now that I can’t hotbox my room, where am I supposed to go? The Link? The Financial Aid Office? Jim Hoppe’s car?”

It still remains to be seen how long construction will take to install the new alarms. Macalester is to implement its new Run Away campaign to discourage any fire-related injury in the meantime.

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