Shaving Heges

This December, The Hegemonocle interviewed students across campus with a probing, intimate, and deeply thought-provoking question: “To trim thy heges or not to trim thy heges?”

Here are a few of the responses that moved us the most:

“Sometimes I shave one of my legs so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a woman.” – Alex Jefferson ’13

“It’s winter! No one will get a sight of these voluptuous calves [slaps calves in demonstration] anyway!” – Simone Jones ’15

“My wife loves the extra layer of fur I sport every winter. She says it’s sexy, but really I just do it to keep me insulated during these chilly nights.” – Benjamin Foxtrot ’16

“I was experiencing an existential crisis my whole life until I came to Macalester and discovered the FUCKING SQUIRRELS. My life’s goal now is to emulate the squirrel in every way: squitter and squirrel like them, chipper and chapper like them, nibble nipples like them, howl and holla like them — what was the question again? Oh yeah, heges! Yeah, well obviously squirrels don’t shave, nitwit.” – Crazy Sam ’79

“In solidarity with my main man Obama winnin’ the election again, I got my  pubes trimmed into the shape of his face. Real talk.” – Dillon Strauss ’14

“Hedges? Hmm, well none of my housemates have brought it up yet, but I guess I should take the initiative and start trimming them. Do any of y’all know where I can buy some industrial strength pliers?” – Millis Worcester ’13

“I know you all are a bunch of nice kids, so I feel comfortable admitting this to you. You see this luscious hair of mine? It’s actually not real. I shave some, uh, more discreet areas every winter to create a more realistic-appearing wig.” – Jim Hoppe

“Sometimes I only shave one leg, so that when I go to bed I feel like I’m sleeping next to a man.”— Sam Turtle ’16

The Hegemonocle would like to earnestly thank these brave souls from the bottoms of our heartiest hearts for sharing their deepest, darkest hege-shaving stories with us. Thank you. You all have touched us profoundly and we hope we have adequately given your testimonies due justice.


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