Scottish people outraged at portrayal of Scottish people at Macalester

This past week, a slew of complaints have come in from Edinburgh about how Macalester has portrayed Scottish people. They claim that how Macalester depicts and appropriates Scottish culture is vulgar and offensive.

In an interview, the First Minister of Scotland, Angus O’Callahan stated, “I am outraged at the gross cultural misappropriation of Macalester. I mean have you seen their mascot?! Scots never smile that much and their heads are never that big! Also, we, as a nation, take great offense with the name of the school store. There can only be one Highlander!”

When asked for his opinion on the matter, student Scott Scottson said, “I don’t really know what all the fuss is about.”

This controversy has culminated in a series of acts of vandalism, attacking the Scottish images in Macalester. These acts range from the beating of Mac the Scot, to the spray painting of the Loch Ness Monster onto campus buildings, to the firebombing of Scotty’s.

President Brian O’Rosenberg has since called on the students of the college to fight back. In an emergency, school-wide meeting he roared, “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”

In an act of solidarity for Mac the Scot and their college’s roots, the student body has unanimously agreed to wear kilts from now on.

At press time, an association of people named Scott were also offended, but did not comment. They all had work in the morning.

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