Study finds most students know nothing

A recent study found that knowledge retention at Macalester is at an all time low. Even though 96% of Macalester students graduated in the top quarter of their high school class, 96% of students also have “no fucking clue” what is going on in their academic life.

One student, Caryn Wooster, who is taking Intro to Books, explained her struggles: “Most of the time, I hear words, and I understand the words and most of the sentences, but that’s about all I understand. I’m actually pretty smart though.”

Caryn went on to say, “Actually I think I know why. Most of the time, I just think about oral sex. Like all the time. Receiving, performing. Receiving and performing at the same time. On top, on bottom, in between, in the shower, on a LoveSac. Flavored condoms — cherry, banana, vanilla, chocolate fro-yo, hot dog. Penis flavored condoms. Unflavored condoms. But literally, in my head, it’s just fellatio everywhere. Professor Longfellow has caught me staring at his crotch several times this semester. I don’t think he notices though.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Professor Longfellow responded. “She also g-chats me.” Other students in the class have taken notice.

“Well she drools a lot,” said Berty Heinritz, her classmate in Accelerated Thinking.

However, sex isn’t the only thing distracting students. Other class time activities include:

– Trying to figure out if the kid in class who looks like Macaulay Culkin is actually Macaulay Culkin

– Thinking about butts

– Wishing

– Thinking of names for Prince William and Kate’s unborn baby child

So are Macalester students getting dumber? Do they just need some more cunnilingus in their lives? It’s hard to say.


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