The Anatomy of Your Paper

Your Name
A date earlier than you actually started writing
other information
that you really don’t need to put
but shit, this has to be
five whole pages

Eye Roll Inducing Pun That Doesn’t Really Relate to My Topic: 

An extended subject line that includes the words, ‘race’, ‘gender’ or ‘sexuality’ preferably in the context of an extremely specific past time period or place, both of which you really have very little knowledge of

This is your introduction. You try to write something interesting to catch the reader’s attention. You try to do this even though you know the only reader is your professor who is contractually obligated to read your stale attempts to make your opening sentence sound interesting and will inevitably skip over this section anyway. You rewrite this section a couple times, get tired and then look up the word “Racism” in Websters. You quote it without citing your sources, because it’s 2 a.m., you know she won’t notice that this is just an extended non-sequitur before your thesis statement. A good thesis statement ideally recycles the ideas of articles that you read for class into a semi-coherent statement that is either completely unfounded in anything that resembles a fact, OR so obvious that the only thing this paper ever did was give you carpal tunnel and cause you to miss the most recent episode of Girls.

Subheading Used Exclusively to Take Up Space (and bolded for good measure)

Here begins the body of your paper. This is where you lay out the specific points of your argument and support it with evidence. Here is an example: Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit. Now you insert a block quote because you’d rather let other people speak for you instead of think of original ways to say something:

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.¹

A sentence you forgot to finish because you got distracted by a Buzzfeed slideshow on sassy cats that look like Jennifer Lawrence in the 90s. Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Sheepshit Bullshi tBullshit. Some buzzwords about hegemony (a must). Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.²

This is your conclusion. It’s best to start every conclusion with the phrase, “In conclusion,” so people know that this god-forsaken experience of trudging through your half-hearted attempts at critical thinking are over. After you write this, you are free to feel an undeserved sense of accomplishment. When you get this paper back, you will complain about only getting a B+. I mean, why is she such a harsh grader, anyway?

¹ (Here is where you cite a page of an article/book you didn’t read).
² (This is where you cite a source that you found from a link off the Wikipedia page).


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