Macalester sophomore Jenna Polke has been reportedly seen in the Campus Center, distraught over the lack of a 1:1 ratio between the number of friends she has on Facebook and how many likes she recently got on her new profile picture.
“If you don’t like something, then, what, what’s the opposite of that? Like… dislike?” Jenna said, igniting a new round of crying as she reached that point of revelation entirely on her own. “I wake up every morning and like everything in my news feed, just as a daily ritual.”
Liking the content of her family, friends and casual acquaintances isn’t her only pastime. “I also try to create one fake Facebook profile every day, then proceed to log in to that profile and like everything on my profile,” Jenna said, noting that this morning she crafted “Spellissa Romaine,” a spunky red head whose listed interests are “being a real person” and “doing all the things real people do.”
But even her good friend, Spellissa, couldn’t console Jenna’s current despair.
“Don’t even tell me people haven’t had time to check their Facebooks, it’s been like 47 minutes!” she stated in response to repeated questions about whether it was reasonable for every person to have seen it already.
In response to the query as to whether she had ever reached the maximum of likes before — if there was a precedent for expecting such a thing — Jenna took the reporters pen and jammed it into his throat, killing him on the spot. “Oh, fuck,” Jenna cried out after watching his squirming body come to a stop and the blood fountain reduced to a dribble. “I think we’re Facebook friends. Are they going to delete his Facebook now that he’s dead? Why does this stuff always happen to ME!?!?”
Jenna’s recent profile picture is an amalgamation of all the most likable features of her last 5 profile pictures. The photo is comprised of: a picture of her hugging her dog, on a beach, with her closest “betches” in bikinis, shot by the same person who took her senior photo, all while celebrating her grandma’s 90th birthday (evidenced by the party hats adorning everyone’s heads).
The caption below the picture reads, “Me and the ladies up to no good, with my dog, isn’t he the cutest??!?!?, luv the beach can’t wait 2 go back, I don’t know if the lighting was right, what do you think? You’re the best G-Ma you’re such an inspiration to everything I do in lyfe!!!! =)”