Macalester College Divests from Fossil Fuels, World Still Ends

On Tuesday afternoon, after three years of gridlock, campus negations, and numerous Mac Weekly Op-eds, Macalester College finally announced its decision to divest from fossil fuels. The following evening, the world ended.

The “end” resulted of the accumulation of greenhouse gases prompting catastrophic changes in global weather patterns. In spite of this, Macalester’s choice to divest can be considered a landmark victory in the inconsequential fight to ensure a sustainable non-existent future.

“I’m glad Macalester finally made the right decision to divest,” said one extinct third-year. “I think we will start seeing positive changes around the globe.” The student’s words rang with biting irony as the following day, thousands of years of human civilization collapsed amid cataclysmic volcanism and weather phenomena.

A former student of Macalester, whose student organization instigated administrators’ decision, would have said on Wednesday, “I am really proud of what my peers and I have accomplished. The world has a bright future.”

Student celebration of their victory over small private college administration was short-lived, as the next day the infrastructure of society and human culture ceased to exist and entered the plane of nothingness. Administrators were unable to implement policies of divestment due to the untimely destruction of the hallmarks of the miracle of human inspiration including Italian Baroque Sculpture, the Internet, the modern skyscraper, The Hegemonocle, and flying machines.


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