Michele Bachmann’s Personal Schedule

Friday, May 4th 2013

5:23 AM: Awake in a cold sweat. Smack Marcus and demand that he apologize for what he did in your dream.

6:55 AM: Practice speech against immigration in the shower. Try not to cry this time.

7:45 AM: Walk down the stairs in your bathrobe. Smack Marcus for not wolf-whistling at you.

8:00 AM: Paint teeth white.

8:10 AM: Leave the house. Grind the heel of your stiletto into the New York Times laying in driveway as you walk to your red Hummer. Make sure the maid Isabel burns it after you step on it. Remind her that “you don’t pay her for nothing.”

9:15 AM: Yell at Carol for wearing the same skirt as you. Order her to go home and change. Throw a glass of wine on it so she has no choice.

11:00 AM: Try to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist.

11:01 AM: Give up on trying to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist.

11:56 AM: Bump into a man on the sidewalk who you don’t see because you were looking down at the naked pictures that one of your junior staffers sent you. Yell at him. Ask if he even knows who you are. Say to his face that you would support abortions if they were guaranteed to stop people like him from being born. Disregard his tears.

12:46 PM: Eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A. Have Carol take the first bite to make sure the sandwich isn’t poisoned.

1:30 – 4:00 PM: Power nap/Angry Birds marathon during Congressional Session.

7:00 PM: Attend Congressional fight club. Punch Harry Reid in the mouth. Bite Orrin Hatch’s ear off.

8:23 PM: Have drink with hot, young staffer Todd. Tell Todd he is attractive. Tell Todd that you should go to a motel together. Threaten his career when he expresses reservations.

9:45 PM: Clean yourself up in the motel bathroom. Go into the bedroom. Tell Todd to stop crying. Throw him a couple of bucks for a cab ride home.

11:49 PM: Take off your shoes. Lie down on the bed. Hold back tears. Slap Marcus awake to make yourself feel better.

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