This week, North and South Dakota shocked the nation with a statement saying that they have long wanted to merge into one state but have been holding back in an act of solidarity for the LGBTQ community.
As South Dakota put it: “Of course, we are all aware that our two states are basically the same. We’ve been planning to come together as one legally recognized entity for some time now, but feel we cannot go forward with this act of marriage until all Americans are able to wed equally under the law.”
The spokesperson went on: “Truthfully, ever since we each voted to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage, we’ve had the sinking feeling that we’d, in effect, committed a heinous social injustice in our efforts to undermine human equality under the law. After a while, it really got to us.”
Another official concurred, noting, “I guess you could say we realized we were being huge dicks.”
The announcement was met with a large degree of backlash from the opposition. Rick Santorum voiced concerns of a “slippery slope,” saying, “What next, West Virginia and Virginia? North and South Carolina? If we let these two take the plunge it’s only a matter of time until the rest follow and we have no cardinal direction states left.” Others expressed doubt about what sort of upbringing Mount Rushmore would receive under the union.
North Dakota responded to this criticism with a final point on the repercussions of their decision, predicting that both the equal status of same-sex couples in the eyes of the law and the unification of the two states, while extremely meaningful for those affected, “will bring no change whatsoever in the way heterosexuals live their lives nationwide.”