17 Things for the Class of 2017 to do on a Friday Night

1. Facebook stalk high school friends. Realize you’ve been replaced.

2. Skype with soon-to-be ex.

3. Try to hook up. Strike one.

4. G-chat senior from Spanish lab to purchase alcohol. No response.

5. Text the one upperclassman from hometown for party invite. No response.

6. Google “does rubbing alcohol get you drunk?”

7. Check your privilege.

8. Find party. Wait, it’s Mac-Groveland dad.

9. Actually find party. Huddle in corner and avoid eye contact.

10. Pretend to smoke cigarette with preceptor on porch.

11. Use “freshman” instead of “first-year.” Offend everyone everywhere.

12. Leave party. “Cops are here.” Strangely, no officers outside.

13. Try to hook up. Strike two.

14. Go to Kagin. Experience PTSD from middle school dances.

15. Vomit in as many Dupre bathrooms as possible. Go home to Turck.

16. Still horny as fuck. Masturbate gingerly in dorm room because roommate’s finally asleep.

17. Ring bell. You’re full of shit.

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