47 Reasons Not to Have Sex with Someone

Besides lack of consent — who do you think we are??


1. You’re just not in the mood.

2. Lack of virility.

3. Think that the swelling is actually related to severe latex allergy.

4. It wasn’t just MDMA.

5. Recent, ill-advised tactical masturbation.

6. Just donated 6 gills of blood.

7. Can’t remember if you’re once or twice removed.

8. Pet parakeet is watching.

9. Bathroom next to 10k is public health disaster.

10. You’re still bloated.

11. Afraid of the dark, ashamed of your girth.

12. Whatever happened to Courtney Love?

13. Can’t handle mid-coital discussions about Gravity’s Rainbow.

14. Still waiting for Godot.

15. Uncomfortably convinced that it actually is butter.

16. Crippling fear of intimacy.

17. Never experiment without your lab notebook.

18. Don’t think you can beat DC 15.

19. You got the preceding joke.

20. Can’t stand the noise of Styrofoam on Styrofoam.

21. That bungee cord just can’t be safe.

22. You’ve woken up as an enormous insect.

23. Room still smells strongly of bleach.

24. You forgot your glasses.

25. The acid hasn’t kicked in.

26. Have to take the laundry out in a few minutes.

27. Don’t want to ruin current funny bed stain.

28. Unfamiliar with the concept of hooking up outside Kagin.

29. You just wanted to borrow their textbook.

30. You’re still on the phone with mom.

31. They weren’t digging your Pulp Fiction poster.

32. Too short to ring the bell.

33. R Kelly is still in your closet.

34. Love is dead.

35. R Kelly just emerged from your closet; don’t want to have sex with R Kelly.

36. Just pulled a hammy.

37. You’re just really not that into flannel anymore.

38. Condoms are only 97% effective.

39. They prefer Chicago to MLA.

40. Inaccessible: zipline is down.

41. They refuse to take off the sunglasses.

42. [Non-denominational personifications of G*d] wouldn’t.

43. Can’t waste Chamillionare tickets.

44. You feel unprepared.

45. Four is a party, five is logistically problematic.

46. Can’t buy morning after pills with FLEX points.

47. You don’t love them anymore.

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