Ask Dr. Hege

People keep calling me by the wrong name. My professors, my classmates, my boss, my roommate, even my mother calls me Monique when I answer the phone. My name is Rob. Why is this? Is it my seductive saunter? Do I look like a French woman? Or am I just that forgettable of a person? How can I make sure people call me by the right name?

– Rob, Topeka, Kansas

Dear Monique,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. When people refer to me as Mr. instead of Dr. it takes all my self-control not to squeeze their heads into brain smoothies. I have worked too hard and too long to be disrespected that way, don’t you think, Rod? What I’ve started doing is wearing a labcoat and stethoscope whenever possible (though am I not, in fact, a medical doctor). My best friend, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, says it makes me look both respectable and sexy, and I can’t say I disagree. I wish you all the best, cherie.

I suffer from Sciurophobia. Walking around campus is like walking through a fiery inferno full of beady eyed creatures staring into my soul. No one understands my pain. I feel like everyone here thinks they’re the greatest things ever but I’m completely certain the squirrels are plotting to kill me, or at the very least scratch out my eyeballs with their nasty little squirrelhands. What should I do?

– Scared Shitless, Dublin

Dear Shitless,

Poison acorns.

Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys long walks on grass, stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your questions but it’s a job and “in this economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege currently resides in a kitchen cupboard on Turck 3 with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.


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