Cigarettes Set Obesity Ablaze

In response to the ever widening epidemic of youth obesity the US Center for Health and Wellness has begun a bold new program to help America’s youngsters lose weight: The Give ‘Em Smokes initiative. Many adults credit their tobacco habit for their slim physique, and medical researchers now believe that getting kids hooked early could help them stay skinny for life.

“Why do you think people were so skinny in the 60’s? They were all smoking!” coughed program spokesman Phil Morris. “Not only are daily inhalations of silky smooth burners helping young folks shed pounds, but cigarettes look cool and make kids more confident. Our nations boys and girls have never looked slimmer and sexier.”

“I couldn’t be happier,” wheezed Tricia McCormick, parent of 9-year-old Leon. “My Leon used to sit inside all day playing video games and stuffing his face with fatty foods, now we can’t keep him out of the fresh air. He’s out there rain or shine, suckin’ down heaters.”

However not everyone is in favor of what some claim is an “analog solution to a digital problem.”

“Youth are our future, and in the future I’d like to be able to sit in a middle seat on an airplane and not have the sweaty guy sitting next to me spilling into my seat and smelling like an ash tray,” said outspoken gym teacher Cody Stagnum. “Cigarettes are not gonna solve the problem. It’s putting a Band-Aid on a bleeding wound. America’s overweight youth need diet, exercise, and class II stimulants if we’re gonna beat this thing.”

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