CLASSIFIEDS

LOST & FOUND

Lost vibrator on Grand

I seem to have lost my vibrator somewhere on Grand avenue. I KNOW I had it when I left Coat of Many Colors, and it was definitely not in my purse by the time I got to Khyber Pass. Its relatively long and has three settings (I usually stick with the lowest one). Its not one of those little “I-can-hold-this-withone-hand-while-I-yahooPornsearch-pirates-titty-fucking-otherpirates” types of devices, this is the real deal. In fact, the guy at Sharper Image tried to convince me it was a neck massager, and I was like “fuck that, I wouldn’t give my worst enemy a neck massage with this contraption.” Anyways, if you find it and its covered in dirt or grass or bugs or something, you can keep it and use it as lawn décor next to your garden gnome or something. If you find it and it looks sanitary please give it back, or go fuck yourself.

***BTW on a separate note, I am looking for hot redheads, Italians or half-Asians who are into doing all crazy kinds of shit (Please be 13+**)

Lost bag of baby teeth

I recently misplaced a bag full of children’s teeth while taking a stroll along the boulevard and I’d really like them back!!! There were at least 57 teeth in there and it took me like 6 weeks to collect all of them. I need them back ASAP or I’m seriously going to fail the final for my sculpture class and I really need that for my fine arts requirement.

If you find the bag just drop it off on my front step or give it to one of my housemates (but not Dave because he has a terrible gag reflex and already ruined my last art project because apparently he has an issue with pube portraits??? idk he’s a wimp).

As a reward for finding them I will give you the finished product and you can put it on your kitchen table as a centerpiece or maybe your nightstand? Idk, it’s going to look great though, I’m so getting an A.


Casual Encounters

Brief exchange, W4M

Hello, I am a woman seeking a man to have a brief exchange with this coming Monday at noon. I will be wearing whatever I feel like that day, because I wear clothes based on my own personal feelings for them and not for the response they may or may not elicit from others. I’ll take a walk east down Grand Avenue (I live close to Kowalski’s) for a few minutes and we can have the interaction in front of CVS. I will ask you the time, and we will make eye contact while you tell me “it’s a quarter past noon.” I will say thank you and you will smile and wish me a nice day. We will never see each other again.


Help Wanted

Someone to take exam in my place

I am looking for someone who looks enough like me to take my multivariable calculus exam for me.

Requirements:

• white male with short, black hair

• some freckles on face a plus

• physically fit with well-defined biceps and tight calves

• a strong, stubbly jaw suggestive of a rugged appearance (rugged like an explorer not a f*cking hobo)

• essentially a cross between Paul Newman and James Franco

• should walk with a confident-but-approachable gait.

Other important details: I typically sit in the same seat every class and can provide seating chart upon request. I respond to k-dawg, flex, and d-bag (ironic) so be prepared for these.

Oh yeah, and must be good at calculus.

But not too good.

Participants needed for a study

All ages and genders welcome.

Must be willing to fully submerge head in a tub of pig’s blood.

Contact Larry in the Psych department if interested.

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