Horoscopes – October 2013

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Your crush will have their eye on you at the beginning of the month. Catch their attention by shaking your wiggly spots and dropping your floppies low.

Celebrity Soulmate: The wrecking ball in Miley’s new video


Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Things feeling slow between you and your partner? Try some role play in the sack. Zayn from One Direction will definitely butter up your link.

Celebrity Soulmate: Ryan Seacrest


Gemini (May 22-June 22)

Struggling to think of a creative Halloween costume? Look at your roommate’s Homestyle Italian cookbook for inspiration! Sexy Linguini? Slutty eggplant parmesan? Your crush will eat you right up!

Celebrity Soulmate: Alec Baldwin


Cancer (June 23-July 23)

You’ll be feeling extra flirty around the full moon. Take this opportunity to send your crush a text like, “want to help me put my buns in the oven ;)” or “there are only two holes big enough for your jiffy limbers.”

Celebrity Soulmate: Drake


Leo (July 24-August 23)

It’s time to get over your inhibitions—we all know Leos are prone to get Herpes. Don’t be ashamed of who you really are—embrace yourself!

Celebrity Soulmate: Dina Lohan


Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Trying to rekindle an old flame? Throw alcohol into the mix.

Celebrity Soulmate: Ja Rule


Libra (September 24-October 23)

The stars indicate that you will soon be known as “sink hole” by your friends. Try and avoid this, it could be awkward.

Celebrity Soulmate: North West


Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

You might develop heat rash, which is strange because it’s not that hot out. Consider lube if you anticipate friction: coconut oil, lowfat soy milk, or Trader Joe’s sesame ginger salad dressing can be healthy alternatives!

Celebrity Soulmate: Jada Pinkett Smith


Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Looking to mess around? Arrange a breakfast in bed without plates or silverware!

Celebrity Soulmate: Meat Loaf


Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Café Mac is a great place to meet new hotties. Lick that frozen yogurt seductively or spread some peanut butter somewhere unusual….They don’t call you Capricorn for nothing!

Celebrity Soulmate: Cronuts


Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

On the 24th you may feel unfamiliar sensations in your nether-regions. Use this opportunity to experiment with new shapes and sizes; a sandal or maybe a bell pepper could be fun. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box!

Celebrity Soulmate: Grumpy cat


Pisces (February 20-March 20)

This is a great time to update your look: try a haircut— something along the lines of Paula Deen meets 2 Chainz.

Celebrity Soulmate: Sanjaya

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