LOVE OFFICIALLY DEAD

Wednesday evening at 5:37 P.M., Love was officially pronounced dead. This came after an area father of five revealed to his wife that he was leaving their marriage of twenty years for a promising relationship with his young secretary. Love had battled contempt and cynicism for the last several decades, with this final incident delivering an insurmountable blow. “It’s certainly no shock,” said one authority, “Love has been touch-and-go for a while now–my marriage is certainly an emotionless shell.”

In just the last month Love witnessed infidelity between a “cute old couple,” death of newlyweds, and the destruction of Summer Love by Oppressive Winter.

Since its birth, Love inspired the hallmarks of civilization including art, literature, and social media. Love breathed life into works such as the timeless odes of Catullus, the sublime oils of Raphael, and Jimmy Buffet’s stunning “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw”—testaments to love’s power and ability to brighten the ultimately tragic human condition.

“We all saw this coming,” one human added. “There hasn’t been a solid Rom-Com since (500) Days of Summer—and that wasn’t even a love story.”

Even 13-year-old Jenny Summers commented on her boyfriend’s status “too soon” when he declared his “eternal and everlasting love for Jenny Summers #yungluv [sic].”

As of now, humans are attempting to find meaning in their inconsequential cubicle workdays, joyless platonic relationships, futile home improvements, and soulless drunken hook-ups. Love will be remembered fondly for its grace and ability to inspire. Love is survived by passion and lust that will continue to bear the message of their inspiring, more wholesome begetter.

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