Obituaries

All food unpalatable to cultured study abroad returnee; starves.

Three weeks after claiming that “no food compares” to her Barcelonian mother’s cooking, Miranda Auerbach, a senior from Milwaukee, WI, died this morning in her Kirk dorm room.


Your whole existence, after seeing him grind with another girl at Kagin; perishes.

You had a good talk at lunch on Thursday. What happened?


Eco-conscious student realizes life inherently unsustainable; composts self.

Seven days ago, Ethan Harmon, a first-year from Brooklyn, NY, enclosed himself in an ecoclamshell. He is probably dead by now.


“Makes-a-Wish”; dies.

Tommy Auer, a polio patient at St. Joseph’s, passed away Sunday afternoon after fulfilling his wish of seeing a Tiësto concert. Doctors confirm he had undiagnosed epilepsy.


Girl’s grandpa died, new profile picture confirms.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are welcomed to commemorate “PopPop” by making anti-Semitic comments at Thanksgiving.


Newspapers.

Your father-in-law’s preferred media source, Newspapers, died Thursday at the age of 612.


Springfield High seniors infect themselves with cancer in support of bald classmate; will likely die.

Statistically, only 60% of them will survive the leukemia.


Neighborhood kid Jimmy Gibaldi “as good as dead.”

Old Lady Hutchens announced his fate after his continued tomfoolery.

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