Dear Person Who Can Give Me a Job,
This letter of application is in regard to any position you can give me at the Minnesota Model Car Museum. Seriously, any. I am willing to lick buttholes if such a position exists, or if you are open to creating one.
I am a senior at Macalester College in Saint Paul, MN, majoring in linguistics. In 10 years I’d like to be a cryptologist for the FBI. None of the experience I gain with the MMCM will help me towards this goal, though my parents might be slightly less disappointed with the $200k they spent to send me here.
My work experience has prepared me well to work for the Minnesota Model Car Museum. During my time at Camp Tecumseh, I developed the ability to feign interest in something I was totally disinterested in. Also, I realized that I didn’t want to work at a summer camp and be cripplingly poor for the rest of my life.
As a member of the Hegemonocle, I hone my ability to interact with humans and make tangentially racist jokes that you might appreciate. My writing portfolio includes: “Phallic Images at the Dinner Table,” “Schindler’s Lust,” and “Dear Person Who Can Give Me a Job.” I have no idea how to write business memos or anything you might need, but I figure if I can write my Cultural Anthropology term paper while slightly crossfaded, I’m capable of anything.
My unique skillset of Microsoft Office, nodding my head agreeably regardless of what you say, and not posting my binge drinking on social media will allow me to make a meaningful contribution to your museum. I would like to meet with you to discuss how my qualifications can be applied to any position with the MMCM.