#ATTACK

Worry no more, citizens! The diabolical villain THE HASHER has finally been caught! The masked man walks up to random groups of people wearing a t-shirt stitched with a pound sign and waits for his time to strike.

Barbara Rhubarb was the first victim.

“I was just talking about the slow internet on my iPhone when this maliciously malevolent and masked man came out of nowhere and shouted, ‘# FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!’ and ran off. I haven’t felt so vulnerable since my usual barista quit.”

Acro Nim ‘17 experienced a similar attack.

“So I was like totally talking to my BFFLFE – Best Friend For Like Fucking Ever – about the time my boyfriend gave me frozen custard instead of gelato, because there is sooooo a difference, right? Then this rude rogue came up, shouted, ‘# FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!’ and jumped over the wall by the chapel. Like WTF! We looked over the wall so I could throw something at him, but—OMG!—somehow he didn’t break a leg on his way down and was already gone! FML.”

The most recent attack happened to Bob Smith.

“I had just gotten a call from my mom that my pet goldfish back home died when my house caught fire. This masked marauder jumped out of nowhere, sensually whispered in my ear, ‘# Shouldn’t Have the Left Oven On. # YOLO, Fish’ and then started walking away. I grabbed him and beat the shit out of him. It’s not like he had any powers. He was just some dick in a t-shirt.”

And with the daring work of this nubile hero, this evil-doer shall haunt the streets of Mac-Groveland no more.

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