Dr. Hege’s Self Care Tips

Full Body Cleanse

Stand under a running shower and start drinking the water. Soon a continuous stream will course through your body, flushing out all impurities.

Estimated time: 10 minutes


This one is for those who don’t want to break the bank. Acquire a large punch bowl or fish tank, fill it with Nair®, and dunk your head in! All hair will be removed in a timely manner. For a more comprehensive cut, fill a bathtub, and rid yourself of all hair.

Estimated time: 3 minutes

Horizontal Stretching

Rather than pulling your muscles and tendons lengthwise, pull them widthwise. This technique adds a literal dimension to your once taut muscles. Recommended especially for a full body stretch.

Estimated time: 115 minutes

Slow Down

We live in a hyperactive, hyperstimulated world. Do everything at half the speed you would do them normally. It takes the uncertainty out of life and centers your actions.

Estimated time: minutes x2

Elmer’s Glue Skin Therapy

First layout a piece of wax paper 1.5x your height in length and 3x your girth in width. Cover in glue. Lie down on one end and roll to the other. Complete the process by rolling back, thereby ensuring entire coverage. Finally, dry and peel. Your skin will become smooth and supple.

Estimated time: 273 minutes

Memory Booster

Remember the same thing everyday. It boosts your memory of that thing.

Estimated time: 14 minutes daily

Full Body Masturbation

Stand still and straight. Move your arms to your sides, as though you are hugging yourself, and start rubbing. Slowly increase speed until you reach climax, and your head explodes. It decreases stress and acts as a sleep-aid.

Estimated time: 0.86 minutes


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