Donald Bumstead ‘17 recently earned an ‘A’ on his first ConCon test.
“This was my first test so far in college and I was really worried,” exclaimed a well-rested Bumstead. “I ended up studying for a whole hour the night before. I had no idea how much work it took to get an A in college!”
Bumstead was later seen in a Turck One bathroom stall, his face hovering just above the toilet water while he inhaled deeply.
When asked about this behavior, he exclaimed, “MY SHIT SMELLS LIKE STRAWBERRY PUDDING! NO JOKE!”
The Hegemonocle sent our douchebag intern, Robert, to investigate how Bumstead’s feces actually smelled. Robert reported: “It smelled like poop. And fuck you for making me do that.” Robert then quit his internship.*
Witnesses confirm that Bumstead still believes his shit smells wonderful. He’s also reportedly been saving his turds in old mason jars, hoping to eventually use them to form a new cologne line, “Joe and Moe for Men,” using his expert understanding of the physical sciences.
* Note from the editors: Good fucking riddance, Robert. You’ve been getting high at work and eating all of the tuna salad out of the fridge. Hasta la never.