Neill Hall and Studio Arts Building a Perfect Pair


Walk from the Leonard Center to the library and it’s impossible not to notice: Neill Hall and the new Studio Arts Building look great next to each other. On one side you have the former humanities building, a stunning tribute to the architectural golden age of the 1970s. Next to it is the Art Building, a sleek structure that is a testament to the remarkable talent of a fresh class of young designers in America. The steel paneling of the Art Building complements the concrete of Neill Hall. There are no words. The dull beige of Neill with the suave black of Art creates a contrast comparable to Da Vinci. Homerun Macalester. Home. Run.

Clementines and Your Carbon Footprint: A Think Piece


Since 2004, the popularity of the clementine has skyrocketed. This meteoric rise has cut significantly into the profits of Big Orange and all but obliterated the market for tangerines. And why not? Clementines are delicious, seedless, and their small size makes them a perfect lite snack. But the consequences of this increased consumption cannot be understated.

Clementines have an abysmal 48:7 peel:citrus fruit surface area to volume ratio. When we compare that number to the more manageable 37:15 of the tangerine, and the excellent 10:9 of the average orange, clementines emerge as a “problem fruit.” The average American is eating 8 clementines a day, which makes for over 10,000 tons of peel-based waste annually. If we entirely replaced clementines with eco-friendly oranges we could reduce our national carbon footprint by over 5. Think about it.

Proclamation of War


For too long the squirrels of Macalester have not been shown the proper deference. It is time for a revolution. No longer will we tolerate such insolence. We are declaring war because of centuries of injustice that you and your institutions allowed. Macalester students introduced drugs into our community. The food that at first we thought of as offerings to appease our wrath, we now discover is your trash. Squirrels are a proud warrior race that demands respect. If Macalester will not give respect, we will take it by force. We will ride into battle with the knowledge that our cause is just. Every human and human sympathizer (including dogs, yogurt, screen windows, etc.) will be considered an enemy. Whoever is not with us is against us. I, Major General Fuzzy Bottoms, hereby declare war upon all of humanity on behalf of his majesty King Blackfur the Magnificent IV, finder of many shinys and conqueror of the birdfeeder. We urge our rodent brothers and sisters to join us in our glorious march to freedom. We will return to the days of the great squirrel empire that spanned the continent. Run, pathetic humans, though it will not help you. Your days are numbered. First Macalester then the world!

Stop Ringing the Bell


As I walk through the halls of the University of the US Virgin Islands — where I am currently studying abroad — I notice that the population is rapidly depleting. Who is to blame? Simple. The sexually active Macalester students. Every time a Macalester student rings the so-called “virgin bell,” a virgin dies on the Virgin Islands.

How can we solve this pressing problem? I have two solutions, and both will be equally difficult to achieve. I could make it my personal mission to ensure that every resident of the Virgin Islands is no longer a virgin, and, therefore, there will be no one left to be killed by the notorious virgin bell. Alternately, it might be necessary to ban all sexual activity on Macalester’s campus so no one has the opportunity to ring the bell. I encourage students to take initiative to ban sex through clubs such as KVOC (Keep Virgins On Campus) and KFOC (Keep Fucking Off Campus). I also recommend nightly protests around the bell; if anyone disobeys and rings it anyway, we know exactly who is to blame. Please take every action that you can. The future of the Virgin Islands depends on your celibacy!


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