PORTAL TO HELL DISCOVERED IN DUPRE BASEMENT

The Macalester community was astounded yesterday after clean-up crews sanitizing 10k stumbled upon an open chasm in the ground, apparently leading to an empyrean gulf of eternal torment.

Concerns over the frequent emissions of brimstone from the pit were squelched after it was pointed out that a light coat of boiling tar could only improve the lowest level of Dupre. Some early reports even suggest that a particularly boisterous eruption submerged the vomit that has resided in Dupre’s western staircase for the last two months.* Nevertheless, security concerns persist. Terry Gorman and David Sisk issued independent email warnings, taking care to remind students and faculty that no terrestrial being will ever ask for one’s soul.

Meanwhile, local efforts to enforce building policy by the Residence Hall administrators have achieved poor results. “You can hear the Gluttons getting their just desserts well past quiet hours,” said Ira Liðulfr (’16, last name pronounced WEE-ner). “Plus, those pitchforks constitute some of the worst weapons-policy violations the staff have ever seen. I’ve also spotted more than a few fires that I just know Jim Hoppe couldn’t have approved for religious purposes.”

Every attempted write-up has been foiled, largely because the hellish reprobates involved refused to present valid student ID. “An imp tried to pass off a Magikarp card,” said Liðulfr.

The largely negative response to the portal’s discovery has been met with a growing movement for Hell-pit integration. A coalition of students interested in the potential social and geothermal implications of the empyrean plane has teamed up with Mac alum Don Henly (Community and Global Health concentration and Hospitality major ’71) to present the case for Hell: “Why should we accept society’s binary of deified, non-terrestrial planes?” asks Henly, “This could be Heaven or this could be Hell!”

At press time, the first-year that The Hegemonocle sacrificed to the Lord of the Nether realm has failed to yield a comment from Hades.

* But in all seriousness, should someone work-order that or something?

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