Senior Infiltrates Dupre Quad; First Years Left Homeless

Three days ago, Mary Topler ‘14 successfully locked herself in the Dupre quad she lived in during her first year and refuses to leave despite pressure from security, a letter from her parents, and physiological necessity.

Apparently dissatisfied with the number of Foursquare check-ins to the quad this year, Topler has taken matters into her own hands. She is determined to return the quad to the “party central” she so fondly remembers.

“It started off with a simple visit about a month ago,” said Katie Newman, one of the now homeless first-years who lived in the room before the takeover. “It seemed innocent enough. She even brought us baked goods and several bottles of White Eagle, but then she kept coming back. The visits became increasingly hostile until one day, outraged by an all-night study session we were having, she tricked us into leaving the room and locked the door.”

Attempts to contact Topler have been mostly unsuccessful, but when she isn’t blasting music via Spotify, security reports hearing mumbles of “Things have changed,” “This room isn’t what it used to be,” and “I mean seriously who studies on a Friday night?” Investigations on Facebook reveal that she has renamed her playlists in the vein of “Ultimate Party Playlist” and “2010 Jamz: A Year to Remember.”

“We’ve been sleeping in KBL and it’s nothing short of terrifying. Have you seen what goes on down there?” said Amanda Kauffman, another first-year displaced by Topler’s quest to return the quad to its former status as a bastion of debauchery.

“She needs to come out at some point,” said Doug Trent, head of security at Macalester. “I admire her tenacity, but she’ll have to give up eventually. A human being can only survive on vodka and Doritos for so long.”

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