Report: John Finally Accomplishes #2

John Shatner returned from break and delivered a container of feces to his RA. John explained “I was doing a lot of thinking over break, and you were right: I was getting too carried away last semester partying, not doing my homework, and skipping class. So I decided to take your advice and get my shit together.”

Later, the young student shed more light on his situation. “Yeah, I just feel really relieved to finally get my life in order,” Shatner said. “At the end of last semester, I was feeling really pooped. Between all the parties and late nights, I was exhausted and I realized I had to let something go in order for me to thrive at Macalester.”

Shatner spoke in particular about how his revelation has helped him with his studies: “I was really struggling in my Contemporary Concepts course, but now that I’ve gotten my poop in a group I know everything about fecal anti-matter.”

Hours after the incident, Shatner seemed calm and collected, parting with a simple “Deuces.”

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