Perhaps you have noticed that Macalester propaganda has been quite lackluster lately. Fear not, the Hegemonocle staff has graciously offered to pass along some of our revered PR wisdom to the Admissions and Annual Fund departments to seduce even the most repressed of overachieving prospective fresh-people and under-achieving debt-ridden alumni.
(1) Change the globe-in-an-orange logo to a banana-in-a-globe
Nothing does the trick better than a nice and subtle phallic message.
(2) More Garrison Keillor
Everywhere. Why aren’t we pimping the fuck out of the proximity of this sexy man to our campus on our brochures and videos?! Let the sultry tones of Prairie Home Companion hypnotize recent Mac grads into shoveling barrels of money into our school. Also his body is the shape of a boner.
(3) Get controversial
Sign a lifetime P-card contract with Wells Fargo/bring back the ice rink/club some squirrels. Three words my brothas and sistas: Miley Muthafuckin’ Cyrus. Controversy is hella sexy. No, no, we do not mean Cyrus’s traumatizing “twerk.” Don’t do that! But maybe you should consider raising a stink every once in a while! Get people mad, shock the world! When emotions run high, so do pheromones. Think about it.
Regardless of your sexual preference, Shakira is a symbol of pure sex. If we could get Shakira to enroll at the very least as a part-time student, sexiness on campus would be increased big time. Not only would we bringing a smokin’ hot sexual presence to campus, but her walking around campus would basically force everyone to step their game up coitus wise.
(5) Change up the salad bar
Bear with me here everyone. The salad bar at Café Mac has a lot of sexy options, no doubt. From pepperoni and bacon bits sometimes, to honey mustard dressing, there is a lot to get excited about. But there is one area that is seriously lacking, and that is in the pre-made salad section. On any given day you could have a wide selection of tuna, pasta, or potato salads. All of them must be replaced by EGG SALAD. Egg salad is by far the sexiest of the mayo-based salads and that needs to be reflected at Café Mac.