1. PASSIVE VOICE SHOULD BE USED BY YOU.
Don’t intimidate your reader with assertive language.
2. WRITE ALL PAPERS IN AN ABAB RHYME SCHEME.
It’s pleasing to the ears.
3. DON’T ASK YOUR FRIENDS FOR A PEER REVIEW.
They will steal your brilliance.
4. GIVE CHARACTERS DEPTH THROUGH AMBIGUITY.
Give them all the same name.
5. DRINK ALCOHOL TO SPUR CREATIVITY.
Optional: become an alcoholic. Most good writers were. My dad was too.