THIS JUST IN

• First year gets stoned and watches documentary; questions choice of major

• Macalester finally divests from fossil fuels; invests in lava

• Student uses hashtag on Facebook semi-ironically

• Macalester’s new spokesperson: Mr. Worldwide, Pitbull

• Local Ghosts Tiring of Old Haunts

• White House declares obesity too tough to tackle; tries to outrun it

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