SAYS: Twin Cities Roast, a nutty honey, roasted almond, and chocolate blend.
SHOULD SAY: Twin Cities Roast, a diluted, luke-warm, slightly caffeinated ass-water blend.
SAYS: Pizza with fresh brie, crème sauce, pork tenderloin, and sautéed onions on a fresh flatbread.
SHOULD SAY: Pizza with a frozen crust and shredded cheese sprinkled with the nasty leftovers from the grill.
SAYS: Vegan Apple Crisp.
SHOULD SAY: Sliced apples and dry oatmeal microwaved and then refrigerated.
SAYS: Farm-raised Chicken Breast.
SHOULD SAY: Previously frozen bird carcass that’s dry as Arrakis.
SAYS: Assorted Bars and Cookies.
SHOULD SAY: Many options, but they all taste the same.
SAYS: One Serving.
SHOULD SAY: 3 raviolis, two green beans and a Happy fucking Tuesday.