After collecting data from quite possibly every Macalester student about factors like age, major, sleeping patterns, moral compass, preferred method of contraception, and favorite Atlanta-based trap artist, senior Jim Matocce noticed something out of the ordinary.
Among a plethora of standard responses to his Intro to Statistical Moderling survey, one student claimed a 4.20 GPA and 69 hours of sleep each night.
“I was skeptical, so I decided to investigate. I know outliers exist—believe me, I’ve read Malcolm Gladwell—but the numbers just didn’t make sense,” Matocce said in an interview regarding Macalester’s latest scandal. “It disgusts me that in the year 2014, people think it’s funny to get in the way of statistical correlations.”
A disclaimer in the survey promised anonymity. However, upon being alerted to this mathematical fiasco, David Sisk threw caution to the wind. Through a 72-hour hackathon he discovered the identity of the practical jokester to be Giussepe Ewerrs ’16. Ewerrs is an architecture major made infamous by a series of heists. Sisk declined to comment on the debacle, claiming to be “too riled up about the entire ordeal.”
The case was sent directly to the office of Brian Rosenberg. He threatened Ewerrs with expulsion and gave him a strongly worded letter from the head of the mathematics department. However, even if he escapes with impunity, it is likely he will become a pariah on campus and transfer immediately.