Old People Won’t Die, Research Says

ORLANDO, Fla. — People aged 65 and older, also known as old people, are not dying in an expedient manner.

The study, published Thursday in Euthanasia Monthly, is a good reminder of the wasted resources currently sustaining this bloc of the population.

The 40 million American old people have been asked to be self-aware and reduce their growing numbers—starting by doing things like driving the speed limit, eating irregularly shaped foods, and spending more time with anthropomorphic wolves, experts say.

Scholars disagree on the use of more extreme measures. “The so-called ‘Old Yeller’ approach has worked to rid us of pests in the past,” said Debbie Manpincher, a youth loitering nearby at the local community center. “My grandparents are dead anyway.”

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