WASHINGTON, D.C. — United States President Barack Obama declared a state of emergency last Thursday upon learning that dogs’ mouths have germs. “Does anybody else know about this?” Obama asked.
Now-unemployed secret service officer Michael Waters broke the news to the president. “He was letting Bo eat peanut butter out of his mouth for the billionth time, and I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Waters said.
In a move that he describes as his greatest effort yet to bolster the United States economy, Obama has put his beloved Portuguese Water Dog up for auction.
“I can’t stop thinking about how many times I’ve had him lick my mouth clean and I just keep throwing up,” Obama said. “Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner?”
According to sources, his family accepted the habit as one of the president’s many idiosyncrasies. They never dared comment for fear of him taking extreme measures.
Evidently, these fears were legitimate. Eyewitnesses claim that Obama has taken to the streets and traded in his formal wear for a hazmat suit. Reports indicate that the frantic leader of the free world has been offering any and all dogs a vigorous teeth cleaning. He has been distributing literature on the matter and drawing up plans to have Obamacare cover canine dentistry.