First-Year Just Doesn’t Even Give a Fuck

On Monday, October 13th, Stanley Blorg ‘18 rolled out of bed at 8:30 a.m., put on his slippers, and urinated on himself.

“It just dawned on me that life is nothing more than the postponement of the inevitable, so why care?” said Blorg, a straight-A student who chartered a volunteering organization in high school and won the senior superlative Most Likely to Become President.

After quitting his work study job in the Office of the Provost, Blorg, a National Merit Scholar, rang the bell three times and scratched his name into the Kofi Annan Commemorative Memorial Ping Pong Table with a Wells Fargo P-Card.

Blorg’s roommate Jordan Jammer expressed concern about this apathy.

“It was like if someone gave him a fuck on a silver platter, he wouldn’t take it,” Jammer said. “If there was even a single fuck to give in this world, he would have nothing to do with it.”

President Brian Rosenberg shared Jammer’s sentiment.

“There are a lot of fucks to give in this community,” Rosenberg said. “Unfortunately, Blorg decided that he would not share his fucks with our student body.”

At press time The Hegemonocle reached out to Blorg for an update. But he wasn’t on Gchat. Like he didn’t even care.


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