Guide to Getting Along with Your Roommate

• Make sure the first conversation you have is about masturbation schedules.

• Wink at them at least once per day.

• Do a background check before meeting them so you’ll have things to talk about.

• Call their parents to share your concerns about their late bedtime and its effect on their cognitive development.

• If they accidentally sleep through their alarm, help them out and wake them up with a nice bucket of ice water. (Bonus points for upping their social consciousness by filming it and posting it on Facebook.)

• Help them stay focused on schoolwork by removing any distractions (e.g. phone, laptop) and selling them on eBay. They’ll thank you once they get their 10% cut.


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