Macalester Begins Accepting Animals in Effort to Increase Diversity

Returning students were met with a surprise this fall: classmates from across the animal kingdom. Beginning with the class of 2018, Macalester will now admit animals in an effort to increase campus diversity. The initiative is a key component of Macalester’s Strategic Plan, according to President Brian Rosenberg.

“Macalester has always sought to push the boundaries of normality and we need to see past our speciesism,” said Rosenberg, undressing from a penguin suit. “Every member of the animal kingdom deserves a chance at an elite liberal arts education. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to head out for some horseplay.”

The change hasn’t been seamless, though. Some students have had trouble connecting with their new classmates. Giddle Cundert ’16 made the mistake of asking about one student’s long face and was consequently placed in a sensitivity training program by school administrators.

“This class has got me clawing up a wall,” said Cundert while clawing up a wall.

Another issue has been implementing resources that can accommodate every students’ strengths and weaknesses. For example, dogs can’t type due to their clumsy paws while their avian classmates seem to have an eagle eye for this type of work.

Food scarcity has also been an issue for the school. Bon Appetit has doubled its food production in response to increased pigging out.

“Black bears are hard to please,” said John Cook, manager of food services. “They want their salmon or they’ll maul your face off. But other students don’t like salmon, ya know?”


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