Q: Can you stand up in Neill Hall?
A: That’s a common misconception. You can only kneel.
Q: I’m not of Hegemonocle quality. What student org should I join?
A: Consider Bodacious, Oxfam or the benefits of negative space on your resumé. If truly desperate, see The Mac Weekly.
Q: What are the four pillars of Macalester?
A: Two outside Kagin, two in Café Mac.
Q: Should I read The Daily Piper?
A: [New York, newspaper magnate accent] Listen kid, I don’t know what it was like when you were writing for your Local Pilot Times Journal bullshit, but that’s not gonna be enough in today’s 24-hours-news, attention-deficit society. If ya not gonna read The Hourly Piper, ya not gonna survive.
Q: What is Winter Ball?
A: A formal event put on by Macalester in which sober students come out in droves to slow dance, snack on delicious hors d’oeuvres, and put all bodily excretions in their proper receptacles.
Q: Should I take Principles of Economics pass/fail?
A: Yeah, economics doesn’t seem like an important thing to have a basic understanding of.
Q: Will my orientation leader ever acknowledge my existence now that orientation is over?
Q: How do I get alcohol if I’m underage?
A: While the Hege doesn’t condone underage drinking, there is one way: Go into Old Main 001 at 11:58 p.m. on a Thursday. Sit at the desk by the door. Chant “Kofi Annan” in ascending volume. Wait 20 minutes. Blink twice. One bottle of Everclear will appear between your breasts.
Q: Who should I give my username and password to?
A1: David Sisk
A2: Anyone who asks nicely because manners should be rewarded in today’s cold world.
Q: Can I punch this kid in my U.S. Politics class?
A: No. Harbor your anger and subconsciously unleash it on your friends and family.
Q: How do I casually disclose my SAT scores without seeming like a douchebag?
A: Print out College Board reports. Plant them in “lost” binders around campus.
Q: Why doesn’t she love me anymore?
A: It’s the birthmark. And the fact that you’ve never talked to her.