Dan Gilbert, Harvard University professor and bestselling author, unveiled his latest study on November 1st at Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota. His results indicate that drinking blood and smoking crack are linked to higher levels of happiness.
The results stand in stark contrast to previous studies like the work completed by McYakova and Frederickson (2008), which found that drug use is associated with poor health and general dissatisfaction. LeDracula’s research, completed in 2010, claimed that drinking blood is found to have no effect on happiness unless the blood comes from virgin males.
“Although it may be surprising to find that crack-smokers are happier than the average person, it actually makes a lot of sense,” Gilbert said. “It’s not the act of smoking crack that makes you happy. It is the lack of smoking crack that makes you unhappy,” the professor said.
“The conclusions regarding drinking blood are more ambiguous,” Gilbert continued. “It turns out drinking blood gives us enjoyment because of the experience—it becomes a part of who you are.”
The professor cautioned that his findings do not indicate that everyone should drink blood and smoke crack. But he does challenge the idea that smoking crack and drinking blood are irrelevant to future happiness.
“I’m so excited Gilbert came to visit—I think this talk is going to change my life,” squeaked first year Martin Novice. “Crack is only wack if you don’t treat it like a daily snack.”