The Hege’s Declassified Winter Survival Guide

1. Get a nice scarf. Nothing is quite as disheartening as a cold wind rushing down your jacket and blowing away your desire to live

2. Say goodbye to the sun and hello to your new vitamin D deficiency

3. The human body is a great source of heat, so make friends that have a limited sense of personal space

4. Learn to appreciate the color grey

5. Consider growing copious amounts of hair, migrating somewhere warm, collecting food and hibernating. There’s much to be learned from our animal friends

6. If you’re on your way to class and your friend falls in a snow bank, do not turn back for them

7. If you both get stuck in a snow bank, be proactive and immediately resort to cannibalism

8. Build a tolerance to the cold by bathing in liquid nitrogen

9. Consume as much fatty food as possible (such as lard, butter or bacon grease) to build a thick layer of blubber

10. Evolve

If you do in fact survive your first Minnesota winter, congratulations!

Celebrate by enjoying the three months of sweltering summer humidity before the cycle restarts.


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