Ask Dr. Hege

My son was the only kid in his class not invited to Cindy’s birthday party. How do I make him feel better? I’m scared that this could be a really big blow to his self-confidence.

-Roger, Boise, Idaho


Haha wow, that sucks. Cindy’s party was no doubt the most bumpin’ event of the year. My son had such a good time in the bouncy house and the flourless chocolate cake was to die for. Anyway, don’t worry, you’re not alone—most parents (not me) fear that their child may be excluded from social events. The best thing to do is to teach your kid to be more aesthetically pleasing. If you don’t pressure him to be better from an early age, he’ll never be able to improve.

My child has recently entered the rankings of America’s top bowlers. How do I deal with the media attention?

-Lisa, Weston, Massachusetts


My son is ranked number two in the country and we handle the paparazzi and multi-million dollar sponsorship offers with ease. Until your child gets into the top three, I wouldn’t even think about complaining.

My child won’t listen to anything I tell her to do. What do I do?

-Kim, Berkeley, California


Sorry, what?

My son’s Little League team isn’t doing so hot this year. How can I teach him that winning isn’t everything?

-Rob, Great Falls, Montana


Unfortunately, there’s no good way to have your child become adjusted to crushing defeat. You should acquiesce to the fact that you’re raising a fucking loser that will live a mediocre life characterized by anxiety and little sense of self-worth. I don’t ever want to see him fraternizing with my kid.

Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys long walks on grass, stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your questions but it’s a job and “in this economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege currently resides in a kitchen cupboard on Turck 3 with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.


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