Children: Free Range? Or Cage Bred?


This carefree approach allows your offspring to experience the innocence of youth and its false perception of personal freedom!

Poop flies everywhere when you’re just trying to mow the fucking lawn.

It’s always a hassle to round all those rascals up when you just want to play “Facebook humble brag mupload of my spectacular kid.”

More exercise space promotes excellent muscle and bone development!

A community trough enables socialization with other species of livestock!

A larger play area allows more room for traditional mating practices!


Keep your child’s environment free of icky contaminants like sand, dirt, or Gentiles!

Easy clean up! Just remember to regularly change their pine shaving bedding.

Stacking cages saves space for you and promotes a good social environment!

Efficiency is key, and this accustoms your young to cubicle life even earlier.

Save money and water by using a guinea pig water bottle!

Controllable mating environments optimize genetic expression in offspring—Dartmouth here we come!


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