Decoding Your Kid’s Christmas Wish List

Yuletide is just around the corner and you can be sure that your child already has an extensive wish list. Don’t they know Jesus was an ascetic and Christmas long ago regressed to a symbol of Western consumerism? Unfortunately, for fear of your ex winning full custody, you’re going to have to give that kid something. But kids don’t always know what they want, what’s good for them, or where they put your goddamn car keys.

Here’s your guide to navigating their requests:

Your kid asks for: BB Gun

Instead get them: A sense of self-worth that isn’t based on possessing powerful objects

Your kid asks for: A better Daddy

Instead get them: The ability to appreciate what they have even though it may not be the best

Your kid asks for: A bed that isn’t a cat litter box

Instead get them: 48 hours in The Chokey

Your kid asks for: Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

Instead get them: BB Gun

Your kid asks for: An invisibility cloak that will make them super strong and let them punch through walls

Instead get them: Less time in front of the television

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