How to Make Your Kid Cool

Every parent has a deep-seated fear that their child will end up being a fucking nerd. Here’s how to make sure that never happens:

Get them arrow and feather tattoos.

Teach them to outwardly demonstrate ultimate aloofness through crossed arms or hands on hips.

Make them stare off into the distance looking soulful and filled with angst.

Teach them hip catchphrases such as “the man’s got me down” or “I’m not like the rest of you sheeple.”

Minimalist toys such as a wooden car, a piece of string or a sweet potato.

Tobacco products. There’s nothing as classically suave as a 1st grader taking a smoke break during recess.

Craft microbrew apple juice in their lunch box.

Have a second child who’s a total dork to make your first look cooler.

Frame them for causing trouble at school and don’t sign their detention slips so they achieve rebel status.

Put vodka and shrooms in their lunch box. If they complain, try organic lunchables.

Keep them in the freezer.

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