I Lie to My Children, and You Should Too!

I have two little boys. I love Greg and James more than anything in the world. That’s why it frustrates me so much to see people raise their kids up wrong. The most important thing to do as a parent is to lie to your children. I would say that of all the things I say to my children, 78% of them are lies.

Lying to my children is my favorite way to blow off some steam after a long day of work, but aside from that, it lets me spend quality time with my kids. When they’re older, they’ll realize that it wasn’t just fun, I was teaching them important lessons about life. I am constructing a reality for them that is completely based on falsehoods, so much so that it’s as if they live in a completely different world. I’ll take you through some of my favorite lies.

One of the earliest lies I got in their heads was that the mailman is the angel of death, vigilantly watching them to make sure they’re not bad. He comes almost every day because they’re naughty almost every day. You should see them run and hide! It’s the cutest thing. In addition, it helps keep them disciplined and thoughtful about their actions. I think we as a society need to move past outdated practices like spanking, and this is a very healthy alternative.

I very recently convinced Greg and James that, although their school bus brings them back home every day, one day, it will just keep driving. Their constant feeling of dread when the school bus nears our house makes them far more grateful to be home. It makes them live in the moment, and that’s an important skill to have.

One of my really clever ones was to teach them each different names for the colors, both of them incorrect. For example, for James, yellow is “blue,” but for Greg, yellow is “red.” They love to argue about it! During college, I underwent a lot of spiritual growth, and one thing that I learned is that one’s perception of reality is not the same as reality, and this is a great way to impart that knowledge.

I love to read to my boys. One of our favorite book series is Harry Potter, and the boys love to pretend to be little wizards. I also taught them that I myself am a real life wizard (I’m not). But I always remind them, that, although I am a wizard, they are not, and they never will be, because their lying mother Jennifer is a muggle (she really is, but she says she’s not). I want them to understand that they should forge their own path in life, and discover what they love on their own.

The most recent lie I told them was that I wasn’t being taken away, I was just going on a long trip. Just a long trip to distant lands, and I’d be back. I just hope whoever’s taking care of Greg and James now doesn’t undo all the hard work I’ve done.

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