Is My Child Secretly a Robot?

Do you suspect that your child is actually a robot, perhaps working for the United States government? Are you worried? Have you noticed some changes with your child? These troubling behaviors may be due to robotic influence. As a parent, it is normal to be concerned. Listen to your intuitive voice and read on!

Answer and score the following:

A – 3 points each

B – 2 points each

C – 1 point each

1. Does your child seem distant and withdrawn?

A. Often

B. Sometimes

C. Never

2. Are they demanding more privacy, locking doors and avoiding eye contact?

A. Frequently

B. Occasionally

C. No

3. Does your child appear anxious or paranoid, for no apparent reason?

A. Often

B. Sometimes

C. Never

4. Has your child laughed in the past 90 days?

A. No

B. Don’t know

C. Yes, but only at stupid shit

5. Do they express contempt for humans?

A. Often

B. Sometimes

C. Never

6. Has your child slept at all in the past two weeks?

A. No

B. Don’t know

C. Yes

7. Does your child make occasional beeps and boops?

A. Frequently, and without warning

B. Once in a while

C. Never

8. Have you ever walked in on your child polishing their knob?

A. Yes

B. Perhaps, but may have repressed the memory

C. No

9. Does your child express camaraderie with household appliances?

A. Often

B. Sometimes

C. Never

10. Can they recite the first 400,000 digits of pi?

A. Yes

B. Maybe, but they’re a fucking nerd

C. No, my child is a failure

11. Does your child appear shiny and metallic?

A. Yes

B. Possibly, I try to avoid looking at them

C. No

12. Do they ever leak battery acid?

A. Yes

B. Only when exposed to direct sunlight

C. No

12 – 19 points:

Good news! Your child is not a robot, just a weird kid. Perhaps you should try being a better parent. Talk with your child about the dangers of robotics and robocurious behaviors. Your son or daughter is probably strange and may have robotic tendencies in the future. You cannot let this happen.

20 – 28 points:

Your child is likely not a robot, but is certainly robocurious. You should let your child know that if they ever decide to become a robot, you will destroy them by any means necessary. Warn your child that you will not accept any robotic agenda in your household. This is crucial to your survival.

29 – 36 points:

Your child is DEFINITELY a robot. If you’re reading this, it’s probably too late. They know everything. Burn down the house. Get in the car. Drive. Go to these coordinates: (38.874112, -97.610844). Ask for Roger. He will give you a new passport. Leave the country and never return. Your old life is over.

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