Parenting experts have long claimed that parents with conviction raise more ruly children. But Dr. Lisa Goldstein of Columbia University recently found that for every parent who “turned a car around,” four fifths of a child became an embittered serial killer.
Goldstein began her research by contrasting the childhood trajectory of America’s serial killers with that of the general population.
“I was surprised to find that many of these serial killers were well-liked and socially adjusted children,” Goldstein said. “Jeffrey Dahmer won the eighth grade superlative for ‘Least Likely to Murder, Dismember, and Eat 17 Men and Boys Between 1978 and 1991.’”
Goldstein then interviewed the killers’ families to find out what went wrong. She found a common thread.
“As adolescents, many future serial killers went on contentious family road trips,” Goldstein said. “Afterwards, their behavior became erratic and angsty. And not like your average teenager erratic and angsty.” Goldstein pelvic-thrusted the air. “Like John Wayne Gacy started having sex with dead bodies.”
The question became: What happened on those road trips?
“Every parent has threatened to turn the proverbial car around,” Goldstein said. “The difference between the serial killers’ parents and your average Jimmy Gibaldi’s parents, was that the former actually went through with it. Just like their kids would go on to do.”
Goldstein concluded the study by offering alternative road trip reprimands. “Spank them, swear at them, deprive them of food and proper hygiene facilities. Just please don’t turn the car around.”
Dr. Goldstein’s Road Trip Tips
• Keep your eyes on the road unless you need to rejuv with a quick nap.
• Follow most laws.
• Limit distractions by muzzling all children.