BREAKING NEWS: Mac Confirms Conformity

A recent study has shown that contrary to long standing popular belief, Mac students are in fact not liberal, granola-eating hipsters with “alternative” interests, but rather quite the opposite: They are all mainstream conformists.

The study, done by psychology major Leah Applebaum, has proven that the student body of Macalester is a bunch of phonies; underneath the 80’s thrift-store sweaters and Birkenstocks lay their true sheeple identities.

When presented with a sample of music by Ke$ha, Applebaum found that student’s pupils dilated and heart rate increased. Their feet began to tap subtly underneath the desk and they could all be seen mouthing the chorus. However, when asked whether they enjoyed the song, they replied with, “Bluh, this top 40 junk is so overplayed. I wish radios would play  something good instead of this auto-tune corporate bullshit.” When asked about the foot tapping, they replied that it was “ironic.”

“None of them could name the indie songs I played next,” Applebaum said. “Turns out they’re just a bunch of fucking liars.”

Applebaum has continued her study with help from the psychology and neuroscience departments. By analyzing students’ reactions to various conformist media, such as clips from promotions for Starbucks, Instagrams of various brunch foods, and lists from BuzzFeed such as “17 Reasons why Left Shark is Bae,” the researchers were able to confirm that it was all true: Mac students were salmon swimming with the flow of the main stream.

“Afterwards, we interviewed the subjects about how they felt in response to all the different stimuli,” said Joan Kinney, researcher in the psychology department. “They all lied through their teeth. One guy even said he had to pick up some fair-trade kale chips at the co-op. We followed him; turns out he was headed to Target to pick up a frozen pizza. We also did some digging about his stated art major. Turns out he’s comp sci. What a prick.”

In response to these results, many Mac students have claimed that the sample size of the study was “unrepresentative” and that the research was “funded by Fox News.” Although plenty of students will continue to claim that this study is false and that they are true non-conformists, they are probably just exhibiting signs of seasonal hipster disorder. Next time you hear a Mac student say they’re going to smoke a joint rolled in recycled paper, know that they might just be going to play FIFA.


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