Café Mac Unable to Accommodate Surge in Non-Macalester Student Clientele

As of late, Café Mac has seen an increase in diners, specifically from other schools. The truth behind the increase in St. Thomas patrons remains unclear, but general consensus maintains it began with geology major Shonda Lear ’17.

Last Saturday afternoon, Lear and her friend Alex, a St. Thomas native, decided to eat dinner at Café Mac. After finding a first-year acquaintance willing to share a swipe, they entered through the North gate, each helping themselves to a peanut butter cup in turn. At this point Lear noticed a shift in Alex’s demeanor.

“He couldn’t grasp that you could just take one. He seemed so… delighted. I told him it was Peter Pan, you know, nothing special, but that just made him even happier,” said Lear.

“I think it started on Monday,” said Lisa Landerman, Café Mac’s CEO. Terry Gorman, and all of the people that work under Terry Gorman, have corroborated this statement. Since then, there has been a 15000% increase in the number of St. Thomas students eating at Café Mac, and the consequences have been ‘not lit.’

“I think they’re just bigger than us,” commented first year Jeff Gordon, referencing the noticeable difference in average mass between the two student populations.

And with that larger average mass came larger average appetites, so much so that Bon Appétit experienced a 150% decrease in net profits (leaving them at a meager 385% return on operation costs).

“There’s nowhere to put the backpacks!” said Café Mac head of security Harold. “These dumbass purple beefcakes don’t have no right bein’ here. If I have to tell one more disrespectful little shitbird that they can only take one hand fruit or cookie out of the cafe…”

At the time of press release, two Macalester students had visited the St. Thomas cafeteria, where reportedly only pork rinds and blue Gatorade were offered.

No clear resolution lies in sight.


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