Café Mac Workers Disappear in Droves: Where Did They All Go?

Since the start of the spring semester, Café Mac has been a bit short-staffed. According to an inside source, as many as four hundred student workers left their jobs after Winter Break and have since disappeared from the public eye.When we asked director of student employment Betty Kirkpatrick about the missing workers she replied, while watering down the coffee, “They all transferred to Concordia.”

In early February, Café Mac made a last ditch effort to get students excited about college dining. A medley of meats shaped into muffin form and topped with a swirl of mashed potatoes appeared at the Grille. Café Mac dubbed these curious meat pastries “Tri Meat Cupcakes.” Now, it’s a well-known fact that Café Mac only serves one type of meat: that ambiguous, tough slab that you saw at for twenty minutes with a butter knife before giving up. When there are inevitably leftovers, you can bet you’ll be seeing “shredded pork” at South the next day. This only accounts for one of the three meats, and although many students were initially too afraid to ask, the question of where the other two meats came from has begun to spread around campus.

It hardly seems coincidental that a large group of Café Mac workers has disappeared mere days before the appearance of such an uncharacteristic dish in the very cafeteria they used to work in. These curious circumstances are only made more suspicious by Café Mac’s “local meat” initiative.One student even reported Harold threatening to turn him into cupcake batter.

“He waddled over to me and said, ‘Sir I’m sorry but I’m going to have to make you into a cupcake if you don’t put your backpack away.’ It was so adorable,” the student said.

This still leaves the question of the third meat. When we questioned Café Mac’s head chef about its origin he started sobbing and curled up in a fetal position behind the Grille. The remaining student workers declined to comment.


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