DeWitt Wallace Library to Undergo Thundering Changes in 2016

Libraries tend to get quieter as you go up, but in 2016 Macalester is going to turn that age old adage literally upside down. Beginning construction next semester, the library will add a series of underground floors that get louder as you go down.

“Since ZAP Twin Cities became a substantial force in anti-partying, students have simply run out of spaces to be loud,” said President Brian Rosenberg, “so we’re taking the initiative and opening up spaces where students can be as noisy as they please.”

In contrast to the DeWitt Wallace Library’s third floor, where food and drink are banned, the floor ten meters into the Earth will have a strict food and drink requirement. Twenty meters down will hold a 24/7 debate about the possibility of a third MPIRG referendum, with refreshments funded by MPIRG’s budget.

“Many students have expressed that their favorite aspect of partying is all the yelling,” said Terry Gorman, Director of Safety and Security. “You would think that it would be the binge drinking and sex, but apparently it all links back to completely throwing out your voice.”

At a whopping one hundred meters under Earth’s surface, there are plans to have a fight club for First Year students whose lives have been unequivocally changed by watching Fight Club. Fifty meters below that will feature live concerts from preeminent artists from Japan’s harsh noise scene.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Masami Akita’s work,” said Library Director Terri Fishel, “and now I can finally listen to his soul crushing tunes in the workplace.”

“We needed some way to justify raising tuition, but students haven’t been receptive to the three year residency plan,” Rosenberg said. “So I figured this was the next best thing.”

Finally, in a small space within the Earth’s core, there is a single student complaining about finding off-campus housing.

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