HEGE EXCLUSIVE: Hoppe gets high

Jim Hoppe, lousy with confiscated weed and crying for help, “I can’t keep up.”


A surge in on-campus marijuana confiscations has swept Macalester. Many students grumble, “I was just chillin’ naked, listening to Animal Collective and eating some plantains when my RHD busts in like ‘It smells like weed all over the hall and smoke is literally coming out from your door right now’ and I’m like ‘Dude I didn’t hear you knock what’s up’ nobody trusts anybody anymore you know?”

Jim Hoppe has offered another perspective, a personal response to the budding issue on campus. He cannot keep up with all this contraband being brought to his desk.

“In all the years that I’ve been at Mac, I have been fully capable of burning through all the mid-grade grass these kids get caught with,” Hoppe confesses, surrounded by a mountain of Hershey Kiss wrappers. “Just another part of my job. But now it’s just getting to be too much for me. Times are a’ changin’.”

Hoppe realized that the job was getting to be too much for him about three weeks prior to his public confession, while working on some emails. “I was just chillin’ naked, listening to Animal Collective and eating some plantains when Laurie Hamre busts in like ‘It smells like weed all over the office and smoke is literally coming out from your door right now’ and I’m like ‘Dude I didn’t hear you knock what’s up’ nobody trusts anybody anymore you know?”

“That was the first wake up call. The second came a couple hours later when Hamms facetimed me and was like, ‘Hoppster are you asleep in your office right now? I can see you through the window with your face down on the eco clam shell…I thought I’d wake you up…you might want to head home and get your head straight.”

Hoppe adds, “The final straw was when it began to interfere with my work. I showed up to this alumni benefit dinner thing for Macalester or whatever and the food was INSANE. They had calzones on a stick, they had steak on a stick, they had nachos. It was the best thing ever.”

“So I’m like 10 deep into some potstickers when Hamms comes up to me and says that I reek of marijuana and should probably leave. That was really eye-opening for me. I’d been squinting so much that it must have be SOO obvious how blazed I was. Then I realized that I needed to go ahead and take the time to fill out a request form to create a new work-study position. I just can’t do this on my own anymore, and I think having a student-worker help me out could be really rewarding for both of us and help streamline my office duties.”

Students interested may inquire to Dean Hoppe directly or check out the job posting in this week’s Mac Weekly. Experienced applicants will be given priority.

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